The terrible mistakes we make after someone else has broken our hearts. Is it just me or have you ever done something crazy and stupid after he told you it’s over? Wow! At times, I look back and wish never to return where I just came from. The crazy things we do in the name of love. I mean, he was the most special person in your life. You had never imagined living your life without him.
Then, out of the blues, he walks out on you; on your love. Without even a single word. Not even goodbye. You’re left wondering why he left. As much as you scratch your head or dig deep into your conscience, you can’t quite put all the pieces together. He just walked out. Is it because he doesn’t love you anymore? Is the other chic better than you? Wait! There’s another chic? Yeah, the one you were so suspicious of every time you saw her text on his phone. Or perhaps it’s that crazy Isabella who kept calling asking you to keep off. It’s so hard to join the dots. All you can put in place is the fact that he is gone. What do you do next?
Let me not ignore my past experiences. Perhaps I’m just terrible when it comes to relationships. I wish he could just tell me that. Probably communication would have fixed the two of us before it reached this point.
So the only man you ever loved, the one who made you strongly believe in this four-letter word ‘love’ is gone. Out the door. The door of your heart I mean. God! Why did you take away the only man I love! This is the time you’ll remember your creator. Not because you want to thank Him for the fact that at least you had a chance with him, but because you’re hurt. You choose to pick a fight with the Big Guy himself. What value will that add? Nothing except for more pain and tears.
We all pass through stuff. You are not the first person to be hurt. Or rather, you won’t be the last! So keep your cool girl! Why cry over someone who is happy in someone else’s arms?
But all that is making you boil inside. You think of all the crazy things you should do to ease your pain. Loving again is not your first option. No! No! No! It’s not your option at all!
You remember that guy, John, whom you’ve been putting off since your school days. He truly makes your inside twine! Now, he’s the perfect guy for you. Suddenly, he’s the most handsome, charming and loving guy you know. Even better than Jim. You dig your old high school letters where he kept leaving you his number. Remember those letters he wrote? The ones he’d borrow perfume to make that common writing pad smell and look expensive? Yeah, those.
They’re probably folded somewhere in your old trunk. Damn! You’d chewed them every time! You recall. Some, even before reading or opening! The stamp betrayed him every time. It had the location where the letter came from – Got Ka Puoyo High School. You don’t even know the directions to the school; it isn’t on the map! John was just some random neighbour in Nakuru. He used to visit his aunt over the holidays from God knows where.
At least he’s your Facebook friend. You can find more about him there or inbox him. Desperate times. You’re crushed once more. He’s married now. All his profile pictures tell you everything you want to know. “So someone loved this guy?” You think out loud. Studied law from the University of Nairobi, boasts of self-employment, has a law firm. Everything, check. And the car he’s posted? Could it be his? “That should have been me beside that Porsche!”
One minute changes everything. Where’s Jim in your mind right now? Who’s Jim? All you want is John so you inbox. Without any shame, you keep explaining to him how you’d put him off every time, defending your reasons. He stupidly buys them. To him, you were always the one he truly loved. His secret love. He plans a first date with you. He’s so gullible now; ready to eat from the palm of your hands. I wish John knew the only thing you want is to forget Jim. Anyway, he’s no small Jesus.
Day one with him in his Porsche was just amazing. All of a sudden he forgets his wonderful wife and a one-year-old boy. The date was just perfect.
Day two: You want to make things even more intense. He isn’t your choice, of course, but you want to let out the pain Jim left in your heart. All you can think of is how to woo him to bed. He’s so weak for you. Why would he resist anyway!? He’s fed up eating the same food from the same plate in the same restaurant for three good years. He’s got the bait. Poor John!
“Last night was amazing!” that’s the first text you get early in the morning before embarking on your usual work routine. John isn’t aware of your game. “Same here” you shamefully reply. Deep down you know you are just taking him for a ride. A sparkling expensive bracelet engraved ‘I still love you’ follows you home in the evening. It’s John again. That’s all you wanted, right? That he spends all his money on you?
One month gone and your game is still at its peak. Then when you start feeling that all you’re doing is wrong, you realize it’s damn hard to walk out. You remember the poor woman John left all alone to breastfeed. Heavens forbid. You recall what Jim did to you. You think of John. He didn’t deserve this. Why did you act on an impulse? How can you let him know that it was just a way of relieving the pain? John is in too deep. You are way deeper. In your heart, this isn’t the life you wanted.
Now you wish you had someone to call your own; someone to love once more. How can you do that when Jim took all those feelings away? All you can think of is how you can waste your life with every Tom, Dick and Harry. Let them shower you with gifts. In exchange, all you’ll do is make them feel good. Let them be happy at your expense.
God! That terrible mistake you’re making because Jim walked out. Then suddenly, before you swoop John with James (of course you’re bored with him already) you stop to think, “What is Jim doing now? Who is he with?” hurriedly, you run out of the room John booked for the two of you. You need to make amends. Fresh air and some time alone is all you want. Now, you can remember the Big Guy again. He is your only way out.
The remainder of the days, you keep excusing yourself from meeting John. Deep down you know the right thing to do is to tell him everything. The whole truth. You want peace, right? Then just do it already! As understanding as he always is, John hesitates more than three times, then decides to set you free.
It’s now time to right your wrong. Thank God it not too late for you. The least you can do is focus your energy on something more positive; your hobby perhaps. Writing is the only thing you think of; It calms your nerves.
You yearn for true love. It’s all you’ve ever wanted. But you don’t have the time for that right now. God knows what the future has in store for you. So all you can do is think of better things to do with your life than concentrate on finding someone to love who will love you back in equal measure.
When you least expect it, you hear from the last person you anticipated. It’s Jim. He’s just checking on you. That’s not what he wants of course. He wants you back. But how will he say it to you? It’s so hard for you. You don’t know how to react to him. Should you cry? He’s made you make the foolish decision in your life. It’s not his fault that you chose to tread the wrong path. Let him be.
It’s up to you to make the right decisions for your benefit. Don’t let a man define who you are or what you want to be. Don’t let that be the hallmark of your destination because you will fall. And the fall will be so hard you won’t know how to pick yourself up.
Relationships are a good thing. Finding someone you truly love and have feelings for is even the best. Make sure you don’t use it to define who you are, though. Keep walking with your head high even after the terrible heartache, because after all that’s said and done, Jim won’t be the person to give you a better future but yourself.
Think hard about the consequences of your mistakes; how will it affect you? How will it affect the other person? Who are all the parties your unwise move will affect? Think before you act. If you want to make things work out again between the two of you, read on rebuilding your relationship.